incoherence embodied (1) dark sentiments lull me to sleep

i flirt with brilliant nothingness. i reason with myself; "it's not worth it." "give me a reason!", i demand. no reply is offered. a flash of inspiration... what if the afterlife is a beaurocracy too? i don't need that-

dark billowing indifference, like a cloud of roiling atomic death, it washes over me.

not anger, not.

nowhere between the white hot passion of anger and the soothing comfort of a tender embrace, it digests me like a cancer; leaving me somehow intact, yet somehow devoid of myself. somehow...


when i take time to listen, the voices tell me to seek help. i don't need to hear that from myself, i get enough shit from everyone that "cares".

step into my mind, try to let yourself grasp the utter emptiness that is my emotion. sink into me and taste my lack of conviction like a stale acid on your tongue. believe me, see me, become me; or don't. i couldn't give a fuck. if you have nothing better to do with your life, maybe you deserve to feel the depth of meaning i do not offer.

i heard a man say today "i hate niggers." i could not grasp his strength of emotion and decided that he must have been lying to impress himself. it seems more reasonable for a person to profess a love of doughnuts. EMOTION is wasted flagrantly by so many. maybe the government should replace the fluoride in our water with prozac. then, for a little while, we'd all use our feelings sparingly... like me. perfectly imperfect.


i saw a dog today. it looked at me the way i look at the world. needs unrequited, hopeful but not. something in its gaze told me that it knew i wasn't going to help it. the cold realism of a simple glance from this animal stung me like a whiplash. satisfied that my universe was no less real than its was, the dog went back about its business of surviving. i felt a touch of abandonment as a single tear struck the earth i stood upon, then i steeled myself with apathy and shut out infinity.

a thin veil of apathy isn't so bad. that's like lingerie for your attitude, just waiting for the right person to take it off and love you for what's underneath. no, it's the underlying apathy that stings, or doesn't.

LUCK is a genetically derived disease. maybe if i were born luckless, or with bad luck, then i would be inclined to care. Would You? what if you tried, and you succeeded, then you stopped trying, but you still succeed. then you go out of your way to fail, but you don't; and killing yourself is too easy. What Would You Do? You Are Me. You grow indifferent, then it festers into putrid disillusion and still you succeed. You read about people working so hard to achieve their dream. By the time you've bothered to dream it, you've already excelled. <SMALL INVERTED PENTAGRAM> it all dissolves into aptitude, and means nothing.

EVIL? anything worth doing is worth doing right. if you're going to devote your life to something, don't fuck around.


i bleed. the pain is intriguing, then it fades into blackness with the texture of velvet. suffocating me, beckoning me, alluring me with its absoluteness. i awake feeling caked crimson cracks and seethes, it reminds me who i am, i detach and find myself again.


God spoke with me again. he said "You Suck." and i carried on with my day.
incoherence embodied (2)

never hate... just ponder
lack of eloquence
is it possible to fall short of success when you're not seeking it at all?
brilliant inspiration dances behind my eyelids in a memory, where is my motivation?
striving for nothing, sanity parading itself for reassurance. urgency = progress
challenge? meet me, greet me, beat me, relive me
where is my mind? and why did it leave me here to stagnate
warm, billowing, comfortable, gentle, brazen, thoughtless, reassuring

thought is my salvation; it takes me away from all the nothingness. sleep is no refuge from the infinite madness. nothing kills it all away. within me, there is no hope, no faith, no yearning, without me, there is nothing

ignorant bliss

outside my eyes, there is so much beauty, when i can step inside. everything is magical as if it forgot to dissolve after a dream. i can hold onto it forever, but i have to let go of myself. why won't i let go? i fear no evil, but that which i see. where is the temperance in me? why am i talking?